I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
