Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
