So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
