I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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