I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
