Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
