When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
