Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
