chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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