Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
