and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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