the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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