why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
