I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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