Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
