i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
