Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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