He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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