The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
