The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You've changed since you got that strap on
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
