i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
