never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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