last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
