im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dicks are not precious.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
