Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
