chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
