dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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