If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
