I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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