does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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