Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
