I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
