in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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