having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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