I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
