it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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