it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
