Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
