Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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