Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
