I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
