How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
