Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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