Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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