highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
