god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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