I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
