you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
