I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize