Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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